we had already written you into our life story. "momma it's an angel baby" - makai

i'm sharing this because it's part of our story......
i struggled with whether this was something that was too personal to share

but as i was talking to nate,
i told him...

i think sharing stories is a beautiful thing.
and i think it's also important.
not only do i want to remember these stories
good and bad
and exactly how i felt at the time
but sharing stories is how we help each other.
hearing the stories of women that had walked this road before
brought me some kind of comfort ....
some kind of understanding.

so here is part of our story......

it was unexpected.
we were surprised.

but there it was....

a little miracle in itself.

after struggling
to get pregnant with makai...

our hearts were filled with joy

to know we would be welcoming
another beautiful little baby into this world.
we were nervous
and scared
and excited
and happy....
we were ready!

on february 8th
just over 5 weeks had past.
when i was awoken in the night....

i cried out for nate
we held each other
and cried together.....

for in that moment
we knew,
this was goodbye.

you see,
little one,
we had already written you into our life story.

we already filled our days with talks about you
we already saw you running hand in hand with makai
we already saw you snuggled in our arms
we already saw you tucked in tight in the crib at the foot of our bed
the crib that sits empty since makai has outgrown it
the crib that we didn't bother putting away in storage
knowing we wanted another baby, sooner rather than later.
we were already preparing for you,  dreaming of  you and waiting for you.....

our hearts were hurting
because
even though it was so soon
we were already falling in love with you
and mommy knows....
even though it was so early
even though this happens to so many
even though other mother's have gone through so much worse
it's okay to be sad
it's okay to cry
and it's okay to miss you!

out of excitement we had already started talking to makai about being a big brother 

and the baby in mommy's belly

but we never told him about anything that was happening...

just that mommy was sick.

in the ER 

one of the nurses brought me this little angel. 

when i handed it to makai he said...

"momma, it's an angel baby"

he brushed his fingers across it and set it on his lap

in his sweet little voice he said ....

"go to sleep baby, shh baby sleeping"

little ones sure know how to comfort our hearts. love him to pieces!

be quiet my soul

be still in his will

be still , and know that i am god - psalm 46:10