learning to be a mommy

Today I grew frustrated as Makai had one of his "fuss fits" as I call them. He tends to have these moments through the day and right before I want to close my eyes at night. As I passed back and forth across our old wood floors I thought to myself...your diaper is clean, you have a full belly, those gas drops I gave you should be working by now, I know your tired....GIVE IT UP ALREADY! Then I had a moment, you know, one of those mommy moments where you jump out of your crabby pants and realize how LUCKY YOU ARE to actually be a mommy. It wasn't in the midst of his fussing  that I had this mommy moment but in the moments of peaceful sleep that followed.

Now ......
I sit here holding him afraid to lay him down in fear that he might wake up.
I sit here thinking how lucky I am to be a mommy...not everyone gets to be a mommy
I sit here thinking about how My God protected this little boy in the hours following his birth and that those fuss fits are a blessing in themselves
I sit here thinking about how blessed I am that I get to be home with him all day...that after those fuss fits I am the one that gets to see those sweet smiles.

So my little boy,
    I want you to know that Mommy gets frustrated sometimes and she is sorry. She is learning more about you and more about being a mommy everyday. She is learning to give up those selfish moments especially when she is sleepy. I love you Makai, I love you more than anything in this world! I am thankful for EVERY moment with you whether it be fussing, or smiling, or pacing the floors at 4 am. You are the sweetest most special boy in all the world and I am soo lucky to be your Mommy!

I will always hold your hand and you my boy  will always hold my heart!